Divine Comedy: Questions for the Almighty

I'm going to first say that this article comse with a warning. It's ridiculous. It's the ramblings of a late night of crazy ideas inspired my favorite comedian, George Carlin and the book/movie An Interview with God. I just had to jot it all down and then decipher into something readable. So take from it what you will. I think there are some interesting ideas in there...

Ever notice how the whole "God loves you" thing comes with a massive asterisk? *Terms and conditions apply. Violation may result in eternal damnation.

If God is all-knowing, all-powerful, and supposedly loves us unconditionally, what's with all this "face God's wrath" business? Shouldn't we be worried about the devil's wrath instead? I thought he was the designated bad guy in this cosmic production.

But wait—if Hell wasn't God's idea, then we're saying God is great, forgiving, turning the other cheek—the whole compassionate package. But if God personally evicted an angel from heaven to create the devil and hell, then Hell is God's brainchild after all, which makes forgiveness seem like a limited-time offer.

This means the devil is essentially doing God's dirty work! The poor guy drew the cosmic short straw, sentenced to be the universal bad cop for all eternity. Isn't doing God's work supposed to be a good thing? We're told we get into heaven for it! So why does the devil get the raw deal for doing exactly what God designed him to do? Talk about a thankless job!

And what happens during the rapture? Does hell get a going-out-of-business sale? Does the devil finally get his performance review? "Thanks for billions of years of torturing sinners—your services are no longer required!" Shouldn't the devil get a heavenly retirement package for all that divine outsourcing?

Then there's the selective miracle business. God speaks to Moses to free the Hebrew slaves, but where was the "Black Moses" during American slavery? Nobody's staff turned into a snake to help free those slaves! And what about all those starving children who could use some manna from heaven? Or the sick who could benefit from a little leper healing touch? God's customer service department seems to have gone downhill since biblical times.

Why doesn't God talk to people anymore? OR DOES HE? Maybe we just call anyone who claims they spoke to God crazy now. But if that's our attitude, how can we believe God exists at all? We can't believe someone today who says they spoke to God, but we're supposed to believe Abraham, Moses, Noah, and Jacob weren't just a bunch of delusional guys talking to burning shrubbery? Were people back then less skeptical, or did we base entire religions on ancient versions of the guy shouting on the street corner?

Speaking of proof—Moses got a burning bush, but the only burning bush we get nowadays requires a trip to the clinic and a prescription cream! How convenient that God suddenly decided, "I've given you enough proof that I exist, and I'm clocking out now. The rest of you will just have to take these ancient stories on faith!"

Blind faith hasn't exactly prevented people from killing each other in God's name. Doesn't matter which God, whose God, or what God—it's always "God told me to do it!" or "In Gofd name I kill thee". The irony is that nearly all monotheistic religions agree it's the same God—we just have different GPS routes to get there.

Why can't we accept that idea, of it all being the same God. The God of Moses is the same God of Jesus and the same God of Mohammed. Once we accept that maybe we can stop sending each other to meet the same guy prematurely? If we're all doing the "right and just thing" according to our beliefs, we all end up in heaven anyway. I kill you, you end up at the pearly gates. Five minutes later, your guys kill me, and I'm awkwardly standing behind you in line. "So... lovely weather we're having in eternity, huh?"

An Interview with God starring David Strathairn & Brendon Thwaites. Directed by Perry Lang